The Elusive Orgasm
By Dr. Ruth Westheimer
Women Who Need More
Some of the women whom I send off to practice masturbation tell me that, no matter what they do, they can’t seem to get sufficient stimulation. They report feeling as if they’re close to having an orgasm, but they can’t get past that point to actually have one.
For women who just can’t seem to give themselves orgasms, I usually suggest buying a vibrator. Vibrators can often supply the added stimulation that these women need. Not every woman uses the vibrator directly on her clitoris, because the sensations are too intense; others absolutely need to. Some women who use vibrators also need to have the feelings of something filling their vaginas, and so they may insert a dildo into their vaginas while using the vibrator on their clitorises.
If you want to find out more about vibrators and dildos, or about masturbation, read my article titled “How To Masturbate – Men & Women.” After you’ve discovered how to give yourself an orgasm with a vibrator, you must then transfer that ability to your partner. Hopefully, the added excitement of having sex with a partner will be enough that he can bring you to orgasm without using a vibrator. You can show him what you discovered with the vibrator – how and where you need to be touched – and he can duplicate those movements with his finger or tongue and get the same results. If that process doesn’t work, then you may want to have him try with a vibrator.
If you can’t discover how to have an orgasm without using a vibrator, then that’s not the en d of the world. No one would ever put you down for taking a car to get around instead of walking, so I wouldn’t make a big deal about having to use a vibrator to have an orgasm.
The “Flat” Moment
Some women can bring themselves, or have their partners bring them, very close to an orgasm. They have all the physical signs of being about to reach an orgasm, but all of a sudden they reach a flat moment. When this happens, these women think that they’re not going to have an orgasm. And, as soon as they think that, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and they don’t. The key to overcoming the flat moment is to keep at it. Not every woman goes through this flat moment, but enough do to indicate that the problem is a fairly common occurrence. But the flat moment is only a momentary thing. If the stimulation keeps up, then a woman will go back upwards on the arousal curve and have her orgasm. So, as far as the flat moment goes, persistence is everything.
The Missed Orgasm
If you’ve ever misplaced something – such as your glasses or the keys to the car – you know how frustrating an experience that can be. Imagine the frustrations of not being able to find your orgasm!
Right about now, those of you not suffering from this condition are probably saying to yourselves, “Dr. Ruth, you’re pulling my leg. How can you miss an orgasm?” I know that the partners of women who have missed orgasms don’t understand the problem, because they report their concerns to me in their letters or in my office. When a woman tells her spouse or lover that she doesn’t know whether she’s had an orgasm or not – something that men have absolute certainty about – he just can’t believe it.
And the women themselves can’t really believe it either. They say to me: “Is it possible? Can I not recognize an orgasm? Isn’t it supposed to be a very strong, very intense feeling? How can I not recognize it? How can I miss it?”
Unlike a woman who cannot have an orgasm, a woman who has missed orgasms does have an orgasm, at least physiologically, but the sensations don’t register in her brain. What I mean is, her heart rate goes up, her vagina lubricates, she has all the outward physical signs of an orgasm, but none of the pleasure.
Treating women who have this problem can be a bit tricky. They have to be taught to feel the orgasms that their bodies undergo. Knowing that they indeed have orgasms, at least physically, is usually helpful to these women. A sex therapist may use any of several different modalities of treatment.
If you have missed orgasms, I definitely recommend seeing a sex therapist, because you probably won’t be able to handle this problem on your own.
Dr. Ruth Westheimer