PAIN DURING INTERCOURSE
Q.Ever since I underwent a surgical procedure, I've been experiencing pain during intercourse with my husband. My gynecologist suggested I fashion a dildo out of bee's wax to approximate my husband, and then masturbate with it until I no longer experience pain. This idea never sounded practical to me but I'm sure there must be something else I can do. I just don't know what it might be, so I'm hoping you can help!
– J.L.
A.I’m not a medical doctor so I can’t really comment on what your doctor said to do. All I could say is that if you think that there are other options, you should consult with another doctor. I hope that your doctor also suggested using a lubricant and tested to see whether or not you were involuntarily tightening your vaginal muscles, perhaps out of fear of the possibility of pain.
I can comment on the idea of making a dildo out of beeswax, which sounds a little impractical. There are hundreds of types of dildos that are sold on adult sites, many even on this one, Boudoir Essentials. Some are hard but others are made of gels that are on the soft side. I don’t know if they’re as soft as beeswax, but I’d try one of those first, unless you’re of an artistic bent.
–
Dr. Ruth Westheimer
ANAL SEX
Q. My boyfriend really wants to have anal sex but I'm a little afraid of the pain, and I'm not sure it's healthy. Do you have any advice on the subject? Thanks!
–Brandy
P.S. My mom loves you.
A. Let me first state that just because your boyfriend wants to try a new position doesn’t mean that you have to agree, and vice versa. Don’t allow pressure, be it pressure from your boyfriend or peer pressure, such as “everyone is doing it,” to influence you. If you don’t want to have anal sex, then you can just say no.
If your boyfriend has been tested and is free of all diseases, then there aren’t really any health concerns. Because the risk of tearing exists, which facilitates the transmission of disease, anal sex is inherently more risky than vaginal sex, even with condom use as condoms are more likely to tear or fall off during anal sex, so the best thing is to have your boyfriend tested. If the tests show that he does have an STD, then you shouldn’t engage in anal sex, in my opinion.
There are two pieces of advice I have for engaging in anal sex. The first should be obvious, which is to use a lubricant. Your vagina secretes a natural lubricant but your anus doesn’t and so the use of a lubricant is a must.
Because your anus is not made to have sex, the natural reaction to having something put in it is to tighten up to prevent this from happening. The way around this is to do it very slowly so that the penis is inserted step by step. Actually you should begin the process of getting the anus used to being penetrated using his fingers or a small dildo. By taking a gradual approach, you should be able to minimize any initial pain
– Dr. Ruth Westheimer
NO SEX IN SEVEN YEARS
Q. We were married in 1974, Married 10 yrs sex ok! He left me for another
woman much younger. Separated 17 yrs and then remarried . says he loves me
and owe me his life and will never leave me again so we remarried in 2000.
Haven't had sex since . We lay in the same bed night after night naked and
never touch. I've tried everything. He says its broke! It wasn't broke on
our wedding night. It must of happened right after we said I do. I still get
that horny feeling but so far 7yrs I've been a good wife. What's wrong with
me. Am I that repulsive. I need help? Please!
– Mrs Willing
A. Let’s set one thing straight, nothing is wrong with you. When he said “it’s broke” he meant his ability to get an erection, and my guess is that it “broke” with this other woman and she kicked him out which drove him back to you. Of course “broke” doesn’t mean that it can’t be repaired, though he may be assuming that. The first thing that you, meaning the two of you, have to do is figure out what the problem is. Now at a certain age a man loses the ability to have a psychogenic erection. That’s an erection that occurs on its own, without any physical stimulation. The man looks at an erotic image and voila, his penis becomes erect. At that stage he needs physical stimulation to have an erection. So you could try giving him that stimulation and see what happens. If he has Erectile Dysfunction, meaning he needs more help than you can give him, then he should see his doctor. Maybe he’ll be a candidate for Viagra or one of its competitors. About one third of men cannot use one of these pills. Then getting an inflatable pump would be the answer, though that is more costly. But as you see, there are options and you shouldn’t give up on sex until you’ve exhausted all of them.
Finally, even if he can’t get an erection, and the pump is not an option,
then he still could give you orgasms using his fingers or mouth. You may be
better off as a couple than apart, but don’t allow him to ignore your needs.
You were kind enough to take him back so he should return the favor with
some kindness of his own.
–
Dr. Ruth Westheimer
DEVELOPED A PROGRAM IN REGARD TO USING A VIBRATOR
Q. I feel like I am developing a program with regard to using a vibrator.
I have found that it takes me longer and longer to achieve an orgasm with
the vibrator and I would like to know if the body becomes so accustomed to
it that it loses the sensitivity. I can not reach orgasm through touch, oral
stimulation or intercourse. I wish I could, but I can not. Please advise.
– Sincerely, AG
A. Though I can’t tell for sure what is happening, here’s one possibility.
One night while you were using the vibrator, you became distracted by some
thought about something that happened to you during the day, and so it took
you a longer time than usual to have an orgasm. The next time you tried, you
remembered that it took you longer and you started to worry that it would
happen again, and those worries did lengthen the time it took, so this
became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t know what thoughts are going
through your head when you use the vibrator, but what I would suggest is
that for a while you make use of some fantasy or video or book that you find
very arousing. Fill your mind with these arousing thoughts in order to push
out any negative ones and see what happens.
– Dr. Ruth Westheimer